6 or More Questions With...Urban Meyer

Interviews are like statistics, in that you can pretty much make them say whatever you want. In my capacity as a sports fan, and part-time correspondent for Scale of One to Gus Johnson, I sometimes have the privilege of interviewing people from the sports world. Sometimes I write down what was said at the interview, other times I write down what I think was said. Most of the time, I write down what I think they would have said if I’d actually interviewed them.

Anyway, allow me to present the first of what could be several interviews with sports related celebrities. The Scale sent me down to Miami to cover the BCS National Championship, and I had the pleasure to sit down with Urban Meyer, head coach of the Florida Gators.

Six or more random questions with: Coach Urban Meyer*

[*Editor’s Note: Coach Meyer had quite the potty mouth. We have replaced all swear words with more Johnny Dangerously style versions of the word.]

1. Coach Meyer, sorry to bother you during your manicure, but is it alright if I ask you a few questions?

CUM: Uh…sure, just make it snappy. We’re almost done here.

2. Great. Well, I guess I’d be crazy not to ask you about the game. How do you feel about the championship on Thursday?

CUM: I’m the coach the Florida fargin Gators, how do think I feel? Pretty fargin great. Might as well start engraving the fargin trophy with my fargin name on it. Ohio State doesn’t have a chance in hell against my boys. It’ll be a bloodbath.

3. Ohio…wait, you mean Oklahoma, right?

CUM: What’s that?

You mean Oklahoma? Your team’s playing the Oklahoma Sooners on Thursday.

CUM: You think I give a rats ass who we’re fargin playing on Thursday? You can take the corksuckers off of both of those teams and line them up against us…It’s not going to matter one fargin bit.

4. Ah, so I take it you’re a believer in SEC superiority?

CUM: Where you from, boy?

Well, I’m originally from…

CUM: Who gives a chit, icehole. The University of Florida IS the SEC, you understand? We invented Gatorade, for Cripes sake. Turn on the fargin TV sometime, you deucepad. Write that chit down, the University of Florida is the fargin SEC.

5. Um…okay. I’ll…so, is Percy Harvin going to be 100% for the game?

CUM: Who gives a chit about percentages…100%, 88%, that chit doesn’t fargin matter. All that matters is that my boys do what I tell them to do, and when they do, they fargin do it better than anyone else does it. You think Harvin is fast? You should try that kid’s Macaroni Casserole…my favorite. You think the Pouncey brothers can block…sheeeet, ain’t nothing compared to how good they are at mowing the lawn. Brandon James is a damn good punt returner, but you should see that kid mop a floor. You can eat off that chit. Tebow, everyone’s favorite fargin superhero, gives the best massages this side of the Bunny Ranch. These kids are the fargin best at every fraking thing they do.

Ha, it almost sounds like you give your players chores to do around your house.

CUM: What’s so funny about that? Coach Meyer don’t do fargin dishes. Urb Dog doesn’t clean toilets. Plus, these are the most talented kids in the country, what kind of coach would I be if I didn’t push them to be everything they could be? Not like they got anything else to fargin do after practice.

6. What about Academics?

CUM: What about what, now?

I was actually meaning to ask you this anyway…Coach, is it true that you recently told your players to ignore their academics so they could focus on the National Championship Game?

CUM: Fargin right.

Are you at all concerned at how that might look, given that these are student-athletes? Might be seen as ignoring the whole student part.

CUM: Are you fargin serious? That whole student-athlete thing is bullchit, and every corksucker in the NC 2 A fargin knows it. I’m just the only one with stones enough to admit it. Speaking of which, I have to go to the back to get a shave. You wanna come?

Um, no thanks. I think we can just end the interview now.

CUM: Your loss, deucepad. Coach Meyer out.