Rules of Gym Etiquette

I heard somewhere that approximately 94% of the people of this country regularly go to a gym/health club. I also heard that 50% of all statistics are made up. Anyway, seeing that everyone is going to a gym nowadays, I thought it was about time someone put down some rules of etiquette. I’m going to go ahead and take a stab at this. Something tells me we’ll have to keep adding to this as time goes on, but here’s what we’ve got so far:

Gym Etiquette Rule No. 1: No preening in front of the mirrors.

This one is mainly for the guys out there, as most women are way too self-conscious about their bodies to do any sort of posing at the gym. But, for the men, don’t do it. I don’t care that the 300 workout is giving your abs more definition than Merriam-Webster (or some other, less lame, metaphor), there is absolutely no reason to lift your shirt up in front of the mirror next to the free weights. Everyone already assumes every (other) guy at the gym is a total d-bag, and you’re only confirming the stereotype, making us all look bad. Don’t spread your d-bagedness to the rest of us.

Gym Etiquette Rule No. 2: No sideways hats.

Not ever. End of discussion. Look, head accessories are fine. If you want to wear a headband to keep your combover in place while you lift, fine. Or maybe a hat keeps the hair and sweat out of your face. That’s okay, too. But, a hat gently placed sideways on top of your head serves no purpose. See d-bag assumption, Rule 1.

Gym Etiquette Rule No. 3: Mind the mirrors.

If someone’s facing a mirror when they’re working out, you can’t stand between them and the mirror (unless they’re violating Gym Etiquette Rule No. 1, of course). You don’t have to be a vain, sideways hat wearing d-bag to want to watch yourself in the mirror while you’re working out. Watching yourself in the mirror isn’t exactly necessary, but for a lot of people, it can be a useful tool for watching your form, and staying balanced. And having somebody stand right in front of you in the middle of a set can be pretty distracting. Now, you can’t always avoid walking in front of someone when they’re in the middle of working out, but you can definitely avoid forcing them to stare at the back of your 1998 Corporate Fun Run shirt while they try to finish their set. Don’t be that guy/girl.

Gym Etiquette Rule No. 4: Don’t be a grape smuggler.

Nine times out of ten, it doesn’t matter what you’re wearing at the gym, for the most part gym attire is all about being comfortable. But, we have to have some exceptions. Guys, there’s nothing wrong with owning a pair of biking shorts. I’m sure they serve their purpose when you’re on your bike. And, there’s really nothing wrong with owning some tights. They can come in handy when you’re playing sports or running in cold weather. But, these are not appropriate outer garments when you’re at the gym. I’m talking to you weird trainer guy who likes to tuck his shirt into his inappropriately tight pants. You know who you are. This rule doesn’t really apply to women, as they can get away with wearing tight clothes. Although, they have to look out for that look that’s often compared to the appendage of a hump-backed desert mammal. But we won’t get into that.

Gym Etiquette Rule No. 5: Conversations with strangers should last 30 seconds, max.

Most people don’t go to the gym to socialize. They want to get in, have a good workout, and get back to the spouse/job/kids/video game. So any conversations have to take place between sets. Talking someone’s ear off keeps only gives them less time for their lunges, or maybe those strangely erotic pelvis thrust things I’ve seen people do on the exercise ball. What’s that about, anyway? The point is, keep the yapping to a minimum. Anything longer than 30 seconds at the gym, and you’re flirting.

Okay, that's enough for today. I'll have some more tomorrow.

On a scale of one to Gus Johnson, I'd give this an Ed Hochuli's left bicep.